Trying Again

Ok, so again, I'm trying this blog thing again.....I have a lot on my mind, a lot going on and I need to get some of this out.

I'll start with the  fact that my father hasn't passed away yet, he's too stubborn.  My mother has breast cancer, we found out about a month ago, she had known about the lump

for about a year.....She hid it because it was touch and go with Dad.  She didn't tell Dad until it had become ulcerative and was bleeding badly and she was scared.  I happen to

walk in the door as that was going on and informed her she WAS going to the hospital. No discussion. Of course, I wasn't allowed to drive them....have I mentioned she's stubborn too?

Mom will be 82 next week, Dad is now 86.  They won't move, the house is too much for them to take care off. They won't let anyone drive them anywhere, despite the fact that they are both

almost blind. How did my dad pass his last drivers' test???

My youngest son and I went down to bring in wood for them today, I took my new camera to show Dad and  snuck a few pictures of them without them knowing it.

What to do with them?  They have us worried. Dad is supposed to be on oxygen, see how well that's working?  Mom faints for no reason at anytime, no reason that they can find. She's fallen at the store and Dad wouldn't let them call an ambulance.  He used a wheelbarrow to get her into the house. GAHHHHH!!

I'm torn....Yes, I worry about them, but at the same time, I feel like it's just familial guilt that makes me go help them.  My family isn't close.  My parents were not emotionally available while  I was growing up.  I was a disappointment to them from the time I was born....I wasn't the beautiful child that two gorgeous, model looking people thought they would have and they let me know that...all the time.  My feelings about them.....? I don't know. They're my parents, I love them, but I'm not attached to them. Does that make sense? I've heard "I love you" more as a adult than I ever can recall as a child.  In the delivery room, after my Kaliko was born, my mother said to me, and I quote, "Laura, you were always so homely as a child that we never thought anyone would ever love you and look what you've done, she's beautiful."  That was my entire childhood, in that one sentence.  My hubs almost kicked her out of the room.   What do I do now?